Drunken Gates

Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Motherfucking RING .

“For god damn fucking’s sake! Someone answer the goddamn phone!” Zack screams at no one in particular, knowing his house is empty but not caring either way. He sighs and rolls over, ready to ignore the painful ringing filling his ears.

‘That’s probably one of the guys.’ He thinks, and then immediately feels guilty for ignoring the phone. He remembers the rest of the guys went to the movies. What time is it anyway? He shoots a look at the clock and sees that it’s 12:34 am.

Grumbling and whipping the sheets off him, he shivered as the cool air hit him.

“There better be a goddamn good reason for this.” He coughs, and shuffles over to his pants to grab his phone out of the pocket.

Zack snaps the phone open and holds it to his ear, surprised it was even still ringing.

“What. And before you even answer let me tell you I am not happy about having to get out of bed for you!” He snaps. He just wants to get back under the warm covers.

That is, until Brian’s slurred voice interrupts his thoughts of the nice bed.

“Heeeey Zacccckyyyyy! Wha’s happenin?” Brian’s voice is garbled together and Zack finds it hard to understand him.

“What the fuck, Bri?”

“Yeeesh Zackk?” Brian replies, and Zack can hear a crash in the background, and then laughter.

“Are you- are you fucking drunk? ” Zack leans on the edge of a dresser, sighing. It’s really not all that irregular for Syn to be drunk- and hell, he’s drunk pretty much 24/7. But he didn’t expect him to get drunk at the movies. I mean come on, what the hell?

“Well I wouldn’t shay that! Dun be mean, Zack!” Brian begins to whine through the phone, and Zack just wonders what the hell he wants.

Then, suddenly there’s a loud cry from Brian and then “NOOOOO!” and then a couple of ‘thwack’ noises. Then Zack hears “Give me the goddamn phone, Gates!”

Then Matt has the phone, and he can hear some kind of weird squawking noises in the background, and then Jimmy laughing.
“Right… Zack?” Matt is talking and he sounds perfectly sober. Sober enough to talk properly, anyway. Zack wonders what the fuck is going on.

“Yeah. Matt, what the fuck is going on?” Zack questions, and sits down on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the tail of his shirt.

“Well, if you want the long story short, we all went to a movie and Jim decided to sneak some vodka into Brian’s mountain dew. Now he’s drunk off his ass and we need you to come pick him up, because he’s nearing the point where he starts making out with old people, you know what I mean?”

Of course! Zack rolled his eyes. Jimmy was why Brian was drunk. Why didn’t he think of that before?

“Well just tell Jimmy he’s a douche for me, okay?” Zack smiles, and then falls backward on the bed. He holds the phone to his ear, scratching his arm absent-mindedly.

“Got it. So can you come pick him up?” Matt responds, and then there’s Johnny yelling “GET OFF!” in the background, and Zack smiles.

“Wait- hold on a second.” Matt says, and then there’s a thud which Zack assumes was Matt dropping the phone.

“JIM WILL YOU LET GO OF HIS GODDAMN POPCORN!!” Matt’s voice rumbles through the phone.

Then it’s Jimmy’s turn. “Bullshit! He’s not eating it!”

“That’s crap Jim. Stop picking on him.”

“Let’s let Brian decide then!” And Jimmy sounds so confident that Zack is a little scared.

Zack presses his ear to the speaker, eager to hear how this will turn out.

“NOOOOO THE HOBOS BE STEALIN MY POPPIN CORNZ!” Brian screams and Zack almost drops the phone. He can hear Matt laughing hysterically and he kind of wishes he were there right now.

“Fuck it!” And then Matt has the phone again. “Zack, for the love of god, come get him. He’s making a scene. We’re down at the one on James Street.”

Zack nods, and realizes Matt can’t see him. “Okay. Be there in 5.” And then there’s a click. Zack hangs up and sighs, sitting upright on his bed and brushes the hair out of his eyes.

What an evening.

-------------------------

When Zack arrives at the theatre, Johnny is outside, with an arm supporting Brian’s waist as he attempts to stand straight. Brian’s hair is ruffled, more so than it usually is, and there’s eyeliner running down the side of his face. Zack jumps out of the car and mentally thanks the fact that Brian doesn’t throw up when he’s drunk.

Syn’s face goes from looking completely out of it, to grinning from ear to ear when he sees Zack.

“Zaaaaaaack!” He grins, and spreads his arms out in gesture of a hug. He fails when he stumbles forward, and Johnny catches him, smiling at Zack.

“Thank god you’re here, the theatre security kicked him out after he started calling Jim a ‘Dirty, poppin corn stealing hobo.’” Johnny smiles, and Brian frowns.

“Thems dirty hobo! He been stealin my poppin cornz, my beeeeyootiful poppin coornz...” he rambles off as he starts to sing a song.

Zack and Johnny stare at him before grinning at each other. “Okay, can you help him into my car?”

Johnny nods and tells Brian to try to walk towards the car.
“Oh Johnny, do you have a light?” Zack turns, pulling out a much needed cigarette. Johnny nods and lets Brian stand on his own for a second while he digs through his pocket to find his lighter.

Zack leans on the hood of the car and neither notices when Syn goes stumbling away, grinning.

Johnny finds the lighter and grins triumphantly, handing it to Zack. Zack grins and thanks him, lighting the cig and handing it back.

“Okay, so, let’s go, Bri-.. Brian?” Johnny cuts off and twists his head around quickly. “God dammit we lost him again!” He snaps, and rubs the side of his head in thought.

Zack groans as he realizes they’ll have to go looking for him. “Wait. Again?”

“Well yeah. Don’t you remember that one time when he got really drunk at a party and we didn’t find him until morning, where he was passed out with that hello kitty doll?” Johnny replies, smiling as he glances around.

Zack laughs. “Oh yeah!! He had Hello Kitty stuffed down his pants with just the head sticking out. I guess none of us will ever know what happened to him that night.”

Then there’s a distant, slurred, and very obviously Brian voice yelling “Shcrew yew, Christ! I was fuckin yer mom!”

“My mom was in Texas that night, douchebag! Think before you speak!” Johnny snaps, following Brian’s voice.

Zack laughs and follows Johnny. They turn behind a dumpster and find Brian sitting in the middle of a puddle, soaking wet and grinning like a moron.

“Hey guysh! I guesh I’m a slut nooow, huh? A sluddle put! I’m a sluddle put! Come be a sluddle put with me, Zacky! You know whaat! Our nexsht song should be called sluddle put! It can go dew new new new dew new-”

Brian is interrupted in his air guitar battle when Zack cuts him off. “Yes Bri, our next single will be called sluddle put. It will be a hit. Now get up and let’s go back to the car.”

“Well okayy. But only if you write the lyricsh. Cause Matt kinda sucks. Dick.” This made Brian start laughing as he stood, Johnny supporting him as they made their way to the car.

“And you know, make the lyricsh really awesooome like all those random werds that come oozin outta yer brain like mushy slurpees. Cause that shit is funny!” Brian rambles, and Zack smiles.

They get to the car, and Johnny practically throws Brian in, locking the door behind him so they wouldn’t have another hello kitty mishap. He waves as Zack and Brian drive away.

“You’re staying at my house tonight; we don’t need you disappearing for the show tomorrow.” Zack says, even though he knows Syn is barely listening, if at all.

Brian grins in the backseat, and then shouts something out the window at an old lady.

Zack is glad he got him out of the theatre quickly.

-----------------------------

The ride home is generally silent except for the occasional shouting or singing from Brian. Zack thinks he’ll make Brian have some coffee when they get back, so he’ll sober up a bit and won’t be screaming all night.

He helps Brian stumble through the front door, and he throws the keys on the table while Brian collapses on the couch. Zack stands in the doorway staring at Brian, while he grabs the remote and begins flipping through the channels, stopping on the news.

Zack stares at the TV for a second before talking. “I’m gonna make some coffee so you sober up... somewhat anyway.”

He gets a laugh and a “kaaaaaay” in response. He turns and makes his way into the kitchen, putting the kettle on boil. As he grabs the bottle of coffee grinds he hears Brian yelling.

“HEY ZACKEEE!” Brian screams from the living room, with amusement in his voice. Zack rolls his eyes before answering.

“Yeah?”

“DID YOU KNOW THERES A GUY THAT GOT FUCKED BY A HORSE… AND FILMED IT?! OH WAIT- HOOOOLD ON, THEY’RE SHOWING IT RIGHT NOW... OH DUDE, THAT IS SOOOOO GROOOOOSS. THAT LOOKS PRETTY FUCKIN UNCOMFORTABLE. I WONDER HOW MUCH CRAP YOU CAN STICK UP YOUR ASS BEFORE IT BREAKS. PROBABLY NOT AS MUCH AS A HORSE DICK CAUSE I THINK THAT GUY DIED. THAT WOULD SUCK. I WOULDN’T WANT TO DIE BY HORSE RAPE.”

Zack smiled at Brian’s rambling. He’d obviously sobered up a bit on the way back because he could speak properly now. Zack guess he still wasn’t completely sober since he was talking about horse rape.

“I don’t think it’s considered rape if the guy did it willingly, Bri.” Zack shouted back from the kitchen, dropping a spoonful of coffee into each mug and then a spoon of sugar.

“Well slap my ass and call me the gingerbread man but I’m still callin’ it rape.” Brian’s voice got closer and Zack turned to find him standing beside him, face practically in the cupboard. “Do you have anything good to eat?” He grinned, searching through Zack’s cupboard.

Zack rolls his eyes. “Well the only thing in that cupboard is cereal. Besides I don’t want you barfing it all up later.”

Brian apparently wasn’t paying any attention to him at all. Zack realizes this when he pulls out a box of froot loops, grinning a lopsided grin.

“I want cheerios!” He smiles, shaking the box slightly.

Zack frowns for a second before replying. “Those aren’t cheerios, Bri. They’re froot loops. Froot Loops are colourful, like a rainbow.”

Apparently Brian was listening because he laughs slightly, staring at the back of the box. “I thought you wouldn’t want me barfing rainbows all over your carpet!”

Zack grins, what a smartass. “Whiiiich is why you aren’t having any. Here, your coffee is ready.” Zack takes the box and puts it back in the cupboard, handing Brian the cup of steaming liquid.

Brian smiles and takes the mug, stumbling slightly into the living room and falling on the couch. He frowns when he looks at the TV. Zack sits down beside him gently.

“What’s wrong, Bri?” Zack says, and puts his mug down on the table.

“Well. They’re not showing the horse fucking anymore.” Brian says and makes the saddest face.

“You are so weird.” Zack replies, sipping his coffee.

“I’m going to the craaapper.” Brian sings as he stands and walks toward the hallway. Zack sighs and leans back on the couch.

“Don’t break anything!!” Zack yells after him, although he knows it did nothing and something will be broken in the next minute. He hears the door close and then Brian mumbling something, and then the toilet flush and the door slam when opened.

“For Christ’s sake don’t slam that door!” Zack yells.

“What the hell does Johnny haff ta do with anything!?” Brian yells back and Zack wonders how he went from talking properly to completely messed up again. Then his curiosity is piqued when he hears Brian mumbling.

“Whas that? Whats that? What is THAT?” and he gets louder by the second. Zack places his cup down and wanders into the hallway where he finds Brian standing over a bottle of lotion, now open and spilled across the floor. Zack sighs loudly and smacks his head with his hand.

“What the fuck, Syn?!” Zack moans and he knows he’ll have to clean this up.

"Whas that? Is that sperm on your carpet?!?" Brian cries and it’s almost funny, but Zack still has to clean this up.

“Zack why is there sperm on your carpet!?” Brian flails his arms and Zack issues him into the living room again.

“It’s not sperm, it’s lotion. I guess I’ll never know why you had it out, but I’m not questioning you. Now go sit down and drink your coffee while I clean this up and don’t you dare move.” Zack says patiently, shoving Brian toward the couch. Brian sits and stares at Zack like a lost puppy, and Zack just turns around to go clean the mess.

When the lotion is all clean, and damned if Zack has to go to the store to buy more now, he retreats back into the living room to find Brian lounging sideways on the couch. His feet are off one arm and his head is off the other, how he managed that Zack will never know. His arms are thrown off to the side and the coffee mug is lying on his stomach, and Zack hopes it’s empty.

Zack walks by, plucking the coffee mug off Brian’s chest in a swift motion, relieved to find it empty. He walks into the kitchen, wondering if he should take a shower. He doesn’t want to risk Brian getting up and wreaking havoc on his house, so he decides against it. He runs the tap water until its warm, sticking his finger under the spout, making sure it’s the right temperature before rinsing out the mug.

As he pulls out the mug from under the water and shuts off the tap he hears Brian yell “ZAAAAAACK!” from the living room.

“If you’re about to throw up do it in the toilet cause I’m not cleaning up after you!!” Zack yells and he can hear Brian laugh.

“No, just come here! I have a question!” Brian giggles, and Zack walks into the doorway separating them. He leans against the doorframe, and continues drying the mug with the tea towel.

“You look like a housewife.” Brian points out, and Zack rolls the tea towel up and whips it in his direction.

“Fuck you, Gates.”

“So anyway, I have a question.” Brian says, and he sits up, resting his head in his hands and his elbows on the arm of the couch.

“Um, shoot?” Zack says, slightly confused, and he tosses the tea towel over his shoulder, Brian stifling a giggle when Zack glares at him.

“Okay. This is gonna sound kinda weird but I’ve been thinking about it and-“

“Just fucking spit it out, Bri.” Zack huffs, because he’s tired and it’s like what, 4 in the morning? And Syn is being an ass and rambling on about pointless things.

“Okay, um.”

“Brian.”

“Well.”

“BRIAN.”

“LET’S FUCK.”

Zack coughs and starts choking on his own spit, and this probably looks like a scene from a movie but WHAT THE FUCK?!

Brian walks over and pats his back gently and Zack coughs, and when he finally gets himself together he wipes his eyes- which are tearing now- and he looks at Brian, who grins a slightly drunken grin.

“Are you fucking serious?!” Zack sputters out, and he’s surprised he didn’t drop the mug.

“Well see I was thinking and we’re both so hot that we should fuck. We’d get so many fans. And you know you’re like totally sexy. So it would be pretty fucking awesome.” Brian laughs, and he sits on the couch, stretching out and smiling.

Zack stares at him and he’s fucking nuts, what the hell is Brian thinking?

“You’re fucking nuts.” Zack states, and Brian laughs and lies back on the couch, rolling over and facing Zack.

“Come on. You’d like it. Come on. I know how you watch me on stage.” And with this he winks, he fucking   winks , and Zack wants to go crawl under a hole and die.

“You’ve got it all wrong Mr. I’m-So-Awesome.” Zack snaps, and Brian rolls over, yawning.

“I still think we should fuck.” Brian replies, and runs a hand through his hair, and fixes the pillows under his head a bit.

“Fuck you Gates.” Zack replies, and then sighs when he realizes what the answer will be.

“Glad-“, and then there’s silence.

When Zack looks over, Brian’s eyes are closed and his chest is heaving up and down, and Zack thinks he’s cute when he sleeps.

Zack gets up and he just can’t believe Brian passed out in the middle of trying to get laid. He walks to the kitchen and puts the mug and tea towel on the counter, stretching and yawning, and he thinks he’s ready for bed. Synyster Gates passed out in the middle of trying to get laid. He can’t wait to tell this to the rest of the guys.